Struggling

I guess it’s time to come back here.

I have this blog mainly to deal with my mental health and I had been relatively okay, so I hadn’t needed to blog. I even started studying again.  I’m studying physics and I have the highest marks so far. I love it and I’m good at it.

However I’m starting to feel the way I did before. Again. I can’t tell exactly when it began coming back, it was progressive. Feeling more tired than usual. I figured it was just stress and general tiredness. With the exhaustion came the thoughts. I don’t know what happened later but now I’m in the middle of a freaking tornado.

I can’t afford resting and waiting until the storm passes. I have a million things to do, and everyday I’m falling farther behind. I have reports to turn in tomorrow, classes to go to, an exam on Thursday. Everything is moving fast and I’m lagging behind.  I stay still for extended lengths of time, my mind comatose.

My mind is different than it was when I started studying. It’s slower, less willing to do things. It’s like moving through molasses. I already know what I can do when in recovery, and I’m losing it again and it’s unbearable. Once again I begin thinking what’s the point. There’s no point to anything. I can’t be sick again. I can’t be disabled again.

I feel like yelling at people in the streets, telling them I’m drowning and how unfair it is. How can everyone just keep living when I’m like this? Why do they pass me by like nothing is happening when I’m clearly dying? Then I realize that from the outside, I look OK. No screaming, no rotting, no bleeding, no exposed bones, not even a band aid.

The only ‘evidence’ are a couple of cryptically desperate posts on Facebook. In English, so the majority of my contacts who speak Spanish can’t even read. I wouldn’t dare post any of this in Spanish. It feels too exposing. I don’t really talk to people. What can they do? Not even the professionals can really help me. The psychiatrist would attempt to change my medication. Effects that may or may not happen, weeks away from now.  I can’t afford losing so much time. I can’t afford any of this!

I don’t know where to run now.

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