Directionless Musings

She’s in my dreams, she won’t go away. Dreams where we make up and become friends again. Dreams of happiness and relief. Dreams that won’t come true, because I chose it that way. Guilty reality: I was the one who shut her off. She hurt me, but I believe she never even noticed it. I hurt her, too. There may be a chance she actually hates me by now. And I wish I could go back in time to stop myself from walking up to her that day I decided to become her friend. I remember it clearly. I want to get rid of the memories of pain and guilt.

I think about it a lot, going back in time. It means I have many regrets and I’m plagued by them. I don’t like it, but before I know it, I’m taking another mental trip to the past. My favourite past time. Changing things, entertaining myself with the imaginary results. A better life, fixing mistakes. Life feels dirty with mistakes permanently engraved in it.

Have I been playing too many video games during my life? The illusion of of restarting with the knowledge and skill required to acquire a perfect score.

A perfect score.

What for, anyway? Who am I competing against?

Is it because I have only one life and it’s really short?

Mortality. It also haunts me all the time. Eternal anxiety for getting as much as possible done during this life. To make something that counts, an impact in the world. That seems like the only thing that would make my short existence worth it. Create something unique. Something that nobody else would be able to do. Justify my existence.

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