It’s scary to write that I’m still better. I’m afraid to jinx it, as silly as it sounds. But I am. It’s weird to try to describe what has improved. Everything at the same time and nothing. Little microscopic floating parts perhaps. A sense of well being. Energy inside me. Restlessness that sends me into bouts of activity. Confidence and a little thing inside me that prompts me to say “I feel good”. And I do say it and people’s jaws drop. Because apparently this is not like me.
But I can’t remember. I don’t want to. I’ve been saying unfair things to people who are still depressed. Things that weren’t useful when I was depressed. I’m a massive hypocrite for it but it makes so much sense for some reason! Even though it doesn’t make any sense when you’re really down and you hear it.
I don’t want to think about the future, not yet. Let me enjoy this. If I continue like this I may be able to survive after all.