Still Around

It’s scary to write that I’m still better. I’m afraid to  jinx it, as silly as it sounds. But I am. It’s weird to try to describe what has improved. Everything at the same time and nothing. Little microscopic floating parts perhaps. A sense of well being. Energy inside me. Restlessness that sends me into bouts of activity. Confidence and a little thing inside me that prompts me to say “I feel good”. And  I do say it and people’s jaws drop. Because apparently this is not like me.

But I can’t remember. I don’t want to. I’ve been saying unfair things to people who are still depressed. Things that weren’t useful when I was depressed. I’m a massive hypocrite for it but it makes so much sense for some reason! Even though it doesn’t make any sense when you’re really down and you hear it.

I don’t want to think about the future, not yet. Let me enjoy this. If I continue like this I may be able to survive after all.

  1. #1 by justdifficult on November 22, 2011 - 3:23 pm

    I totally agree with your sentiments: actually, I think there is a lot to be said for living in the now. We put so much pressure on ourselves to get well and worry about a return to the past.

    I’m really interested in the fact that you are an artist (a good one too from what I can see). I’m a musician and its really hard to find other professional musicians to talk to about their mental health. But I’m all up for talking about art in general with other mentalists – it’s all connected after all!

    Enjoy feeling well and keep painting and drawing!

    X Clarissa

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