You seem better.

I don’t feel so well right now.

But I did this afternoon. I was outside, the sky was blue, and I also had my psychiatric appointment. Which means that the psychiatrist saw me better than he has seen me in previous appointments, and in my cartoonish mind, he gloated about it (and I hated him for it right there for a second).

It is scary for me to be seen in better shape that I actually am. Why? I’m not quite sure. It’s not that I want to be sick. It’s not that I want to be seen sick. I’m just afraid that THIS mental glitch will just keep creeping on me like it always has. That improvement is not really improvement but just a fluke.

I don’t want to feel sick and have nobody see it. It would be pointless.

I want to be better but I want to be able to feel better, not just seem better. Am I making any sense? After all, I was really good at pretending to be alright when I wasn’t, so much that my ex best friend back then told me I didn’t have depression because I didn’t seem depressed.

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  1. #1 by la on August 10, 2011 - 7:03 am

    Were you wearing lipstick by any chance? I’ve noticed that sometimes people tend to tend to equate make-up with “miraculously cured.”

    Anyway, you’re making a lot of sense to me.

    I’ve tried to talk about this in group, but they didn’t really understand – “Why do you want people to think you’re depressed or think you’re ill?” Well, because I feel depressed and ill and I want people (some people) to recognise that and, if they can, to help me. If we all pretend it’s fine, it can feel a little scary because churning under the surface it feels very not fine and the worst thing is feeling so alone.

    But people see what they want to see, I suppose. Or else they say things like, “I hate to see you in pain – so I’m going to look away.” (I paraphrased.)

  1. This Week In Mentalists – The I Have No Idea What To Have As A Title Edition « This Week in Mentalists

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