The glitch

I lay on bed this time. It’s 3 am. I love laptops.

My sleep cycles are fucked up. I have been sleeping from 12 to 16 hours a day, and the few awaken hours don’t match those of normal people. But hey, I’ve become a much more prolific poster ever since stability left me. Haven’t I?

The glitch has happened again. My mind becomes the enemy, attacking me for no reason as I cry and cower and let it repeatedly beat me only wondering why is this happening to me? I don’t want to hurt the mind back, I just want to escape, be safe, until its abusive urges have calmed.

At the same time I’M my mind, the enemy, attacking her for no reason, a helpless girl cowering in the dark, letting me beat her senseless all while wondering Why I am so evil? Why can’t I stop?! and Defend yourself dammit!

I’m both. Seeing through both sides of consciousness at the same time, unable to stop it.

The glitch has ceased for now. How? That’s complicated.

I’ve merged again. I’m exhausted. Going back to sleep.

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  1. #1 by albinorealm on July 25, 2011 - 6:35 pm

    I am reminded of a robot spider from a novel I just finished reading. It doesn’t seem quite right to say that its your mind that is attacking you. You do not want to be attacked. You want to be safe. In a way then, its like the robot spider’s limbs malfunction and begin to attack the rest of the body without the core intelligence being able to regain control.

    The frightening part of this for the core intelligence, would be that it has no way of predicting a glitch or stopping it when it occurs. Different things occur, outside and inside influences and suddenly the glitch dissipates. The problem is that it never seems to abide by a specific formula. What worked the last time won’t necessarily work this time or the next.

    Perhaps the only thing to do is not to isolate yourself. The robot spider should ally with someone it trusts not to hurt it in such a vulnerable state, but to instead try to take a hold of as many legs as possible to minimize the damage from the glitch–or on rare occasion, to help you stop it.

    One thing is certain, without such an ally, the damage is far more severe.

    *offers self as ally*

    The glitch may be very persistent, but I am as well. I am glad to see you writing more. Its good to give the thoughts in your head shape and form and then stick to them to a blog board. At least, it momentarily slows their spinning around you to focus on one target–the blog board. They won’t stay there forever and leave you alone, but it is better than never having any reprieve.

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