I sit here typing in the dark at 1 am.
I’ve been at the computer ever since I woke up, like every day. But all I managed was to have the same 10 tabs open without going through them. Wondering how I can amount to so little in so much time.
Tried going to bed some minutes ago, but became extremely agitated, crying uncontrollably and hitting my fists against the wall. Had to get up again, no other place to go but here. The whole house is asleep.
Nobody can help me. Nobody. My brain is my worse enemy. It will not only attack me, it will attack everybody else. It will also use the weapons they bring to fight it, to further torture me.
I know they are symptoms. That my brain is glitching. That I went from meds that stabilized me but got me nowhere, to meds that are just in under-therapeutic range. So technically I’m OFF antidepressants. I thought I could take it, that I was already miserable enough so at least something would change.
Why do they play with my brain? Why are they doing this to me? How can a person suffer so much with the rest of the world just going their own way?
Nobody can help me. Nobody can or wants to. I may not survive this. It’s too extreme, worse than I thought I could handle. And it gets worse every day.
The only person that used to give me hope has been saying they don’t know what to do with me anymore.
It was a matter of time.