I sit here typing in the dark at 1 am.

I’ve been at the computer ever since I woke up, like every day. But all I managed was to have the same 10 tabs open without going through them. Wondering how I can amount to so little in so much time.

Tried going to bed some minutes ago, but became extremely agitated, crying uncontrollably and hitting my fists against the wall. Had to get up again, no other place to go but here. The whole house is asleep.

Nobody can help me. Nobody. My brain is my worse enemy. It will not only attack me, it will attack everybody else. It will also use the weapons they bring to fight it, to further torture me.

I know they are symptoms. That my brain is glitching. That I went from meds that stabilized me but got me nowhere, to meds that are just in under-therapeutic range. So technically I’m OFF antidepressants. I thought I could take it, that I was already miserable enough so at least something would change.

Why do they play with my brain? Why are they doing this to me? How can a person suffer so much with the rest of the world just going their own way?

Nobody can help me. Nobody can or wants to. I may not survive this. It’s too extreme, worse than I thought I could handle. And it gets worse every day.

The only person that used to give me hope has been saying they don’t know what to do with me anymore.

It was a matter of time.

  1. #1 by albinorealm on July 23, 2011 - 1:24 am

    You’re wrong. Lots of people want to help you and see you recover. I stand at the front of the line as your number one fan. You misunderstand what I said. Its not that I don’t want to give you hope, its that my brain glitches too, thinking that I cannot do it and that my attempts only make it worse for you. The last thing I want is to hurt you more than you already hurt.

    I know what to do with you. I want to keep you for eternity. Yes, its a matter of time–as in forever with you. If I have not been able to offer you hope lately, its not because you are beyond hope or because I do not want to. I want to bottle it up and give it to you by truckloads like I give you trucks full of vegetables in Lotro whenever you need an ingredient.

    It is my glitch, my failure to provide that for you. It is not in any way indicative of your future and the hope that you have in it. I believe in you far more than I believe in myself. You will get better. You will recover and I will be with you. I can only hope that you can forgive my glitches along the way.

  2. #2 by Gravitas on July 23, 2011 - 8:02 am

    It doesn’t help that you know these are “symptoms”, does it. Rationality & logic just don’t work like they should. One of my all-time favorite quotes is from the poet Nicole Blackman: “Everything is real, not all of it is true.” And kinda like you, I find that things can be terribly “real” in the quiet parts of the clock, even if they aren’t always true.

    • #3 by Nessa on July 24, 2011 - 1:15 am

      No. It doesn’t help to know.

      And that quote hits deeply. Thank you for sharing it.

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