Existentialism and False Freedom

First: If you’re feeling crap, like I am, chances are you’ll feel worse if you read this. If you’re feeling alright, you’ll probably feel like crap after you read this.

So, bots, you’re welcome to read.

Unless you’ve developed self-awareness.

Quick summary of practical, “real life” stuff in case you’re wondering: I got a new psychologist. I’ll call him HB. The one I was having problems with didn’t show up to our appointment and I had a horrible –end of the world– panic attack at the building where his office is at. HB saw me bawling on a chair and gently dragged me into his office, where after 253423413 minutes I finally calmed down and talked, and turns out I like him better and he seems smarter and then stuff happened and he’s my psychologist now.

But… 

I’m not doing well. I’m doing very badly. I don’t even know what to call it. Extreme, out-of-control dysphoria perhaps. I don’t have a name for it. I’m just really tired. I don’t want to fight anymore. I seriously don’t see the point, on anything. On being alive. Not like this. “Getting Better” does not even appeal to me right now. It just seems like more suffering, more absurd nothingness. I don’t have the energy to invest it in something so pointless.

I would like to see the world, as a fantastical creature, full of energy, able to fly anywhere, explore the beautiful things with the people I love, and have enough concentration to study a lot just for the sake of knowledge. I don’t want to be non existent. It’s why it’s so hard to kill myself. I don’t want to stop existing. No, I just want to run, I want to escape from this life, from everything as it is.

I am an atheist, and don’t believe in an afterlife. But I really wish there was one. A better one (according to me). The kind that dreamers dream about but has no chance of happening in the awaken world. The only things that seem to comfort me are fictional and non-existent. Therefore, impossible to acquire.

I shouldn’t really care that life has no point or meaning. I don’t think that’s truly the problem. Because in the great scheme of things, it has no point indeed. That IS a fertile ground for a massive freak out, but it is not a problem on itself. I think the problem arises from the false freedom that this creates. That since there’s no mission assigned, then we can do anything. But, can we? I don’t think so.

Each one of us is stuck in our respective niches with a limited set of cards to play. Sometimes those cards suck, no matter how we play them. So, it’s not just that this game has no goal, but also that our cards suck. So, in an infinite universe, full of possibilities, all we can do is spin in circles over burnt grass until the time is over while we’re perfectly fucking aware of it. We peek at the cards of the people around us, and realize that some suck less and some suck more, but they all suck. They suck simply because they’re extremely limited, no matter what they are.

What astounds me sometimes is that most people don’t seem to mind, or don’t seem to realize it. Keep the bliss, I’d say.

I am afraid I simply can’t proceed with life and its superficial, everyday worries and little rewards while feeling trapped in such way.

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  1. #1 by la on July 21, 2011 - 5:36 am

    Hey, don’t really know what to say, but wanted to say hey.

    I wonder if you’re exhausted from all the ‘challenges’ of last week – not just the ones the psychologist set you, but the other challenges he presented. He caused you a monumental amount of stress and anxiety, some of which is probably still lingering. It seems to follow that you’d feel the way you do now after that.

    You and I both seem to feel very stuck in our lives and I empathise with the frustration of bring able to see possibilities but not being able to enjoy them (and not being able to explain why you can’t or know what to do about it.)

    For what it’s worth, I always thought some of the male proponents of existentialism used it as an excuse to be arseholes in their personal lives. It’s a variation of Cartman’s “I do what I want.” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZLVi4v7lSM)

    I hope you’ll do something nice for yourself today because I think after all you’ve been through recently you deserve it. (Even if it feels unimportant and insignificant and won’t, ultimately, solve anything.) If I was closer, I’d shout you a Coke xx

  2. #2 by albinorealm on July 23, 2011 - 8:34 pm

    I can understand what you mean. I keep thinking that the reason most people are content to carry on with a mundane world is because they lack imagination. Their minds cannot envision a universe and way of life that is more vibrant. Oftentimes, I look at the world and think that the current ‘script’ leaves a lot to be desired, that the ‘plot’ of this story is insanely boring. It then occurs to me that perhaps I was not meant to be in this universe, but in an alternate reality where our minds have more power over our environment. If only I could cure your depression with a nice heal cast your way.

    Really, what keeps me here in this world is YOU. You are a universe unto yourself. A fascinating one. An ever changing one. You bring excitement and mystery and can make almost anything seem fun.

    If there is a point to my existence, then it would be to share it with you. You are like the most epic novel in the universe. I want to know what happens next. I want to see what you will think next and say next.

    I have my moments when I’m tired too. Do not mistake exhaustion with lack of courage and/or strength. You are incredibly brave. You affect me in ways you do not realize. You can heal me even when you think the only thing you can offer is pain and torment. That is how good you are.

    I hope this new psychologist steps it up. I’ll be watching him. *readies curse*

  3. #3 by Random Ntrygg on July 24, 2011 - 12:12 pm

    I grok

    although, I don’t wish for an afterlife, since there’s nothing to say it wouldn’t be more of the same, rather than a release at least

    what I have hung onto is a faint hope that life will be better – it was better in the past and may be again in the future

    so make no decisions about continuing to live while there’s still a logical reason to assume it won’t always be like this

    especially if you can get a handle on why llfe seems so bleak and if you can change the conditions to make it not as bleak

    we have this one life as far as we can know, so best to experience it fully – which includes the despair – until you can’t anymore

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