The psychologist wants to see me every day.
I couldn’t make it today. It’s too much. He wants too much. Too fast. Can’t blame him. I wanted too much. Too fast. How can I even think about working when I can’t do simpler things?
This is what my schedule has looked like in the past -not so- few months. It’s not good. I’m always either asleep or at the computer. Just getting older and fatter. Hours and days merge into a nonsense.
The psychologist wants to see me every day. Not even for therapy but just to give me a reason for leaving the house at least once every day, after I used the excuse of “Leaving the house? what for? I have nothing to do, no money to do anything, no friends to visit.”
He wants me to always know what date and day of the week we’re in, after I failed to answer correctly about it during yesterday’s appointment. I found out later but now I don’t remember.
He wants me to read something medical every day. I will stop being a doctor if I stay under a rock, he said. I’ll forget everything I learned, he said. Too late perhaps. My motivation, memory and concentration are shit. They will come for my diploma and take it away.
He wants me to exercise for ONE HOUR every day. Advised to join a Gym. For months, I’ve been trying to do 5 minutes a day on the elliptical without success. How will I manage an hour?
He wants me to do these anti-anxiety exercises for 20 minutes, twice a day, when I wake up and before I go to sleep. I didn’t even try.
He wants me to go do all these errands to find out how to get a job again. He says he knows how, but he’s not going to tell me because he wants me to figure it out by myself.
So, TODAY, instead of doing what I usually do according to the schedule above, I was supposed to do this:
- waking up on time
- doing anxiety exercises
- taking meds
- eating breakfast
- getting dressed
- doing my nails (apparently they’re a mess and he did refer to them specifically)
- leaving the house
- taking the bus
- getting to the place where all baby doctors apply for their first job
- finding the right person to talk to
- asking about the process and requirements
- getting to his office
- telling him about my super successful day
- being given even more stuff to do
- going home, eating, etc
- exercising for 1 hour somewhere during the afternoon
- staying away from bed until a proper bedtime
- doing anti-anxiety exercises again
- REPEAT SIMILAR CYCLE EVERY DAY FROM NOW ON UNTIL HAPPINESS ENSUES
What I actually managed:
- Having a shit day yesterday with anxiety, impending sense of doom, suicidal thoughts and erratic behaviour
- Waking up at 5 am after having shit sleep because of the anxiety
- Coming to the computer to randomly occupy fleeting attention into not torturing self
- Dreading going outside, thinking definitely won’t be able to do it
- Eating and having meds
- Helping mother make chicken with mushrooms for lunch at 8 am
- Cursing the fact that mother had to start work late today
- Making mother believe that I WILL go outside to avoid being confronted about it
- Going to the shower to FAKE having one just to keep my facade
- Figuring that since I’m already in the shower and the faucet is on…
- Having an actual shower while being surprised about it
- Watching mother finally leave for work
- Going to bed and sleeping until noon
- Waking up to eat the chicken with mushrooms and drink coca cola
- Telling my father that indeed I went out (hid the bus money so it seemed like it had been spent)
- Sitting here to talk about it
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I usually can’t lie to save my life, but not lying seemed worse. I can’t deal with lecturing and crying and being forced into things.
When I read the list of what I was supposed to do… it seems so simple for any normal person. It makes me want to cry that I can’t even do that.
I don’t want to be this useless anymore, but it seems that trying to make me do things is not working either, it just makes me see more clearly what i’m failing at, increasing my feeling of defeat and confirming that I can’t deal with life, after all.