A productive day (NOT)

The psychologist wants to see me every day.

I couldn’t make it today. It’s too much. He wants too much. Too fast. Can’t blame him. I wanted too much. Too fast. How can I even think about working when I can’t do simpler things?

This is what my schedule has looked like in the past -not so- few months. It’s not good. I’m always either asleep or at the computer. Just getting older and fatter. Hours and days merge into a nonsense.

The psychologist wants to see me every day. Not even for therapy but just to give me a reason for leaving the house at least once every day, after I used the excuse of “Leaving the house? what for? I have nothing to do, no money to do anything, no friends to visit.”

He wants me to always know what date and day of the week we’re in, after I failed to answer correctly about it during yesterday’s appointment. I found out later but now I don’t remember.

He wants me to read something medical every day. I will stop being a doctor if I stay under a rock, he said. I’ll forget everything I learned, he said. Too late perhaps. My motivation, memory and concentration are shit. They will come for my diploma and take it away.

He wants me to exercise for ONE HOUR every day. Advised to join a Gym. For months, I’ve been trying to do 5 minutes a day on the elliptical without success. How will I manage an hour?

He wants me to do these anti-anxiety exercises for 20  minutes, twice a day, when I wake up and before I go to sleep. I didn’t even try.

He wants me to go do all these errands to find out how to get a job again. He says he knows how, but he’s not going to tell me because he wants me to figure it out by myself.

So, TODAY, instead of doing what I usually do according to the schedule above, I was supposed to do this:

  1. waking up on time
  2. doing anxiety exercises
  3. taking meds
  4. eating breakfast
  5. showering
  6. getting dressed
  7. doing my nails (apparently they’re a mess and he did refer to them specifically)
  8. leaving the house
  9. taking the bus
  10. getting to the place where all baby doctors apply for their first job
  11. finding the right person to talk to
  12. asking about the process and requirements
  13. getting to his office
  14. telling him about my super successful day
  15. being given even more stuff to do
  16. going home, eating, etc
  17. exercising for 1 hour somewhere during the afternoon
  18. staying away from bed until a proper bedtime
  19. doing anti-anxiety exercises again
  20. REPEAT SIMILAR CYCLE EVERY DAY FROM NOW ON UNTIL HAPPINESS ENSUES

What I actually managed:

  1. Having a shit day yesterday with anxiety, impending sense of doom, suicidal thoughts and erratic behaviour
  2. Waking up at 5 am after having shit sleep because of the anxiety
  3. Coming to the computer to randomly occupy fleeting attention into not torturing self
  4. Dreading going outside, thinking definitely won’t be able to do it
  5. Eating and having meds
  6. Helping mother make chicken with mushrooms for lunch at 8 am
  7. Cursing the fact that mother had to start work late today
  8. Making mother believe that I WILL  go outside to avoid being confronted about it
  9. Going to the shower to FAKE having one just to keep my facade
  10. Figuring that since I’m already in the shower and the faucet is on…
  11. Having an actual shower while being surprised about it
  12. Watching mother finally leave for work
  13. Going to bed and sleeping until noon
  14. Waking up to eat the chicken with mushrooms and drink coca cola
  15. Telling my father that indeed I went out (hid the bus money so it seemed like it had been spent)
  16. Sitting here to talk about it

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I usually can’t lie to save my life, but not lying seemed worse. I can’t deal with lecturing and crying and being forced into things.

When I read the list of what I was supposed to do… it seems so simple for any normal person. It makes me want to cry that I can’t even do that.

I don’t want to be this useless anymore, but it seems that trying to make me do things is not working either, it just makes me see more clearly what i’m failing at, increasing my feeling of defeat and confirming that I can’t deal with life, after all.

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  1. #1 by albinorealm on July 14, 2011 - 4:21 pm

    I am very angry. I have no idea what this new psychiatrist is smoking but he needs to lay off the funky weed when he is treating you. I have never heard of any legitimate psychiatrist telling a patient that has been extremely depressed and suicidal to suddenly start doing all those active things right from the get go. That is the end goal, not the starting point. Also, you are wrong about his tasks being simple for the average healthy person. Most people can barely manage 20 minutes a day three times a week much less an hour a day. Even if your physical condition is okay, you need to build up to one hour a day or you burn out physically, emotionally and psychologically. Now add to the fact that you have very low energy to begin with due to your depression . . . and clearly the psychiatrist is short several important marbles.

    You are doing very well. I am so proud. You will get better, but not by having the person that is supposed to be looking after your mental health pushing you into a corner and inducing an anxiety attack and suicidal episodes. If you really think it is that he doesn’t know how serious your illness is . . . then that is something to discuss with him. Regardless, even if your depression were mild, I question his capability. I get the impression he is treating you like a lazy person and therefore the solution is just to push you into DOING and problem solved. Yet, you are certainly NOT a lazy person. You are a persevering, strong, determined entity and deserve to be treated as such.

    New list:
    1. You woke up early.
    2. You went to the computer TRYING to keep the torturous thoughts at bay. (Point is, there you were again as always, TRYING and not giving up)
    3. Eating and having meds. Go munching sheep!
    4. You helped your mother prepare food. O_o When was the last time you did anything that involved cooking? Exactly. Epic points there.
    5. You took a shower. You went there not thinking you could do it and once you got there you looked at the tap and then at your sheep self and the tap . . . and the rest is history.
    6. You had lunch. (Its hard to find the motivation to get up and eat when you’re so low.)
    7. You blogged AND added doodles. You have been blogging more than usual as of late and adding doodles which is extra work. You focused your attention into completing the blog entry. This is HUGE. Your attention is not as bad as you think it is. 🙂

    You are never useless. You can’t stop being what you are not. Please remember that I will always be there for you no matter what. I believe in you. 🙂 *hug*

  2. #2 by albinorealm on July 14, 2011 - 5:26 pm

    PS. It seems that you missed one more thing in your list. You went OUTSIDE today to buy Coke. Outside is outside! *checks off ‘going outside’ from your daily calendar* 🙂

  3. #3 by hystericalconfession on July 14, 2011 - 8:12 pm

    I wouldn’t be able to do all those things in one day. I don’t think I’ve exercised a day in my life and it takes me days/weeks to gear myself up to send a job application by email, let alone in person. I completely agree with albinorealm. This psychologist sounds totally unreasonable.

    ps: what has knowing the date done for you lately? I don’t know the date and I have a job where I have to write it down several times a day. If they wanna know the date, most people check a computer or a calendar.

  4. #4 by la on July 15, 2011 - 2:28 pm

    I agree 100% with what everyone else has said. I can’t believe this guy is a psychologist. He seems to have no understanding of psychology at all.

  5. #5 by la on July 15, 2011 - 2:30 pm

    (As for going to see him everyday just so you can leave the house, surely a) that’s a waste of time and b) wouldn’t it be better to do something pleasant or at least neutral than something you dread?)

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