To hell and back

I’m very hard on myself. That’s why I keep writing short things and deleting them and not publishing them because I create all these high expectations, even for a tiny blog post. I HAVE to be insightful and witty. And in trying so hard, I fail.

Hello Nessa, this is a personal little blog not a professional column.  Get over your fucking self.

My text processing program managed to save something I wrote some days ago. It went like this.

Everytime I’m awake, the wave comes back.  I’ve been keeping myself asleep for as long as I can. But when I open my eyes again, it hits me. It’s not a specific thought, or a specific pain. It’s like my entire mind aches. The entire universe is upside down and everywhere I see, there’s something else that hurts, until it gets overwhelming and I go mad.

And man I was mad for a while. I couldn’t be awake without feeling intense psychological pain. (There’s something in my mind right now, blocking me from remembering about that completely. I think I won’t push it.)

It all started because I was feeling a little bit better, around mid May, and this person emailed me, asking me if I was available to work with him for two weeks.  I closed my eyes and said ‘Yes’, without being completely sure, not of my availability, but of my ability to work.

. . . But I have to do things differently! I have to try new things or my non-life will keep going on like this and I can’t take it anymore!

So I said Yes. I’ll post more details about it later. It was medical but I worked in logistics. It was volunteering, so, unpaid. Sometimes I had to work up to 16 hours a day.

How did I cope? I had full blown panic attacks every single day. My boss refused to let me go, even though I looked like I was about to jump off the building right then. Instead I was talked into breathing, calming down and going back to work. I was amazed it worked like that. Some days I even pushed the hours to socialize a little bit with the other volunteers (who probably thought I was a freak).  Most people that worked with me were from the US and I loved being able to speak English outside the internet! It even occurred to me that I could go back to an active life after this…

Then I am not sure what happened. Things got worse. To finish it, I had the most horrible panic attack during the farewell party and escaped into the night (tried to). Someone found me crying on the stairs and helped me find a taxi and even paid for it (how lovely). So I got home safely but traumatized. Work was over so I had nothing else to go back to. I tried to rest thinking it’d get better. But mood got worse and worse. Brain turned into a torture machine. I buried myself. Got suicidal again. Started thinking about self harm even thought I’ve never done it, it seemed like I needed it. (I didn’t do it, though.)

The only thing I could do well was sleep. Sometimes during entire days just coming out of my dreams to eat a bit and talk to Corulain (this is the name I’ll use for my partner from now on), but I felt so guilty when talking to her. I could offer nothing but a friable brain. Like one tends to do in these moments, I thought the state would last forever.

But time went on and I’m doing ‘better’. More stable. Non suicidal. Again orbiting the black hole instead of inside it. It’s not a good place to be either. If only I could get very far away…

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  1. #1 by la on June 13, 2011 - 3:29 pm

    16 hours a day!? Without even have the thought of a nice fat paycheck at the end to help you get through it!

    And you went into this busy, stressful environment from sleeping most of the day, staying at home… Of course, it was a shock to your system. You’re like a blanched tomato!

    Am I stating the obvious?

    Don’t feel ashamed of the panic attacks and tears. Feel proud of yourself that you got through it. I am proud of you!

    I’m glad you’re feeling ‘better’ even if it’s not the best.

    Big love xx

    • #2 by purplesapho on June 24, 2011 - 9:31 am

      Thank you. I wish I could feel proud, I think I do have things to be proud about but I just can’t get myself to feel them. Writing them down helps though. Sorry I always put off commenting on the comments in this blog, it took me a while to respond to this one. I like responding though because i love when other people do the same to my comments.

      • #3 by la on June 25, 2011 - 12:14 am

        Even as I wrote this comment, I wondered if I was telling you things you already knew… and didn’t need to hear.

        It’s natural, I think, to respond logically, but it’s easy to forget that feelings aren’t logical. There’s a guy in my therapy group who likes to play ‘devil’s advocate’ and he drives me crazy with his ‘logic.’ He’s only trying to help – he thinks he can make me see situations in a different light bu thinking about them differently. The trouble is I’m perfectly capable of thinking for myself, but it doesn’t change how I feel. Finally I had to tell him if I wanted to be talked out of my feelings I’d have signed up for 12 sessions of CBT.

        So with that experience in mind, I’m trying to make an extra effort to *listen* to people.

        But it’s hard… because I want you to be well and happy… and logic makes such a nice band-aid, don’t you agree? 😉

        So with that experience in mind, I

  2. #4 by hystericalconfession on June 14, 2011 - 10:56 am

    la is right. That’s a really huge adjustment to make. I am still struggling to make it through 25 hour weeks and I am getting paid for them.

    I hope you continue to improve and feel better soon.

    And I hope that you continue to post. I do the write-then-delete thing too and it is a little silly, isn’t it? I don’t know who we are trying to impress. haha

    • #5 by purplesapho on June 24, 2011 - 9:32 am

      Yeah I know! I think I’m trying to impress the evil part that lives inside my brain. It gets kind of abusive sometimes.

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