I have to see the psychiatrist in 3 days. A horrible 6 hour trip again. I haven’t seen him since last September, partly because I’ve been avoiding having to travel so far, and I’ve secretly wished I could get better without it, now that I have meds that can be just ordered from the drugstore (yes, drug regulation here sucks). It’s just so bloody expensive and my family doesn’t deserve me leeching off them like that. The meds are also bloody expensive and I wish I could do without it all, or at least be functional enough that I can pay for myself.
Anyway, I still will see the psychiatrist in 3 days, and he’ll ask the dreaded question.
How have you been?
I have no freaking idea. How to measure it? How to visualize it? I wish I could give some blood and be told:
You’re 60% les depressed than you were when you started, keep it up!
Giving blood is easy enough. I don’t know where I am. I acknowledge that I’ve been worse. That’s basically all I can say. I took the depression scales and got moderate/severe, realizing that I have been beyond severe. That’s good, isn’t it? But is this a response to treatment? is it going to continue up? Because after all, I’m still stuck in life, it’s 2011 and I’ve been doing fuck all in almost 2 entire years.
Is functionality a measure of progress though? I used to work/study almost or beyond a hundred hours a week at some point in my life and I wanted to kill myself, loathed my life and felt bad everyday. That doesn’t sound like I was better. Right now I am more stable, pretty much non sucidal (at the moment), but I can’t get out of the house, I barely ever shower, I’m often a weeping mess, I don’t talk to any humans in person except for my family, I spend most of the time in pjs in my bed or the computer trying to do things that will cause no stress, completely dependent on my parents at age 24, with a full medical degree.
Where am I? am I better? am I worse? has treatment worked? has it failed? what now? when will I have a proper life? will I die before it happens? will it get much worse as I age?