Where am I?

I have to see the psychiatrist in 3 days.  A horrible 6 hour trip again. I haven’t seen him since last September, partly because I’ve been avoiding having to travel so far, and I’ve secretly wished I could get better without it, now that I have meds that can be just ordered from the drugstore (yes, drug regulation here sucks). It’s just so bloody expensive and my family doesn’t deserve me leeching off them like that. The meds are also bloody expensive and I wish I could do without it all, or at least be functional enough that I can pay for myself.

Anyway, I still will see the psychiatrist in 3 days, and he’ll ask the dreaded question.

How have you been?

I have no freaking idea. How to measure it? How to visualize it? I wish I could give some blood and be told:

You’re 60% les depressed than you were when you started, keep it up!

Giving blood is easy enough. I don’t know where I am. I acknowledge that I’ve been worse. That’s basically all I can say. I took the depression scales and got moderate/severe, realizing that I have been beyond severe.  That’s good, isn’t it? But is this a response to treatment? is it going to continue up? Because after all, I’m still stuck in life, it’s 2011 and I’ve been doing fuck all in almost 2 entire years.

Is functionality a measure of progress though? I used to work/study almost or beyond a hundred hours a week at some point in my life and I wanted to kill myself, loathed my life and felt bad everyday.  That doesn’t sound like I was better.  Right now I am more stable, pretty much non sucidal (at the moment), but I can’t get out of the house, I barely ever shower, I’m often a weeping mess, I don’t talk to any humans in person except for my family, I spend most of the time in pjs in my bed or the computer trying to do things that will cause no stress, completely dependent on my parents at age 24, with a full medical degree.

Where am I? am I better? am I worse? has treatment worked? has it failed? what now? when will I have a proper life? will I die before it happens? will it get much worse as I age?

  1. #1 by hystericalconfession on March 15, 2011 - 6:14 pm

    Since I started using mood trackers, this is something I have also been struggling with. How DO you measure a feeling? It is so easy to look back and minimize how bad things were, or alternatively, to think they were much worse than they were. There’s no concrete way to compare. All one can do is say “Even though I feel bad, since I can remember feeling worse, I must be feeling better.”

    Also, how can you tell if the change in mood can be attributed to something you are doing, or if it would have changed anyways.

    Depression, at least for me, waxes and wanes without provocation. Sometimes, I will wake up and feel better for a little bit. My situation will be the same, but I’ll somehow handle it better than I did before. Then, one day, I’ll go to sleep and I’ll wake up feeling terrible. My situation might have even improved in that time, but now I am a wreck for no reason.

    There are those depression tests available, but they are seldom helpful. All they can do is count symptoms, but they don’t take into account why the symptoms exist.

    ie: A depression test may ask if you feel like you have no talents. With low self-esteem, I would say yes. I may believe that all the time, but sometimes I don’t feel as bad about it. I don’t think about it quite as much and, when I do, I don’t get that horrible churning sensation in my gut and that heaviness in my bones. How do you measure that feeling?

    Anyways, that is a long trip to see a psychiatrist. I hope that it goes well for you. Stay safe. 🙂

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