Do you feel alive?

I say that this year I’m trying to get my life back on track.  I want to feel like I have control over it instead of it being a sum of days where my brain movements control me and I am just bounced around from wall to wall watching everything happen.  I want a life where I get to decide when to be awake, and when to go to sleep.

I want to feel like I am already alive instead of waiting to be infused with a living essence that is not arriving on its own, while stored in a shelf facing a glass wall, watching the world outside, wondering why my doll body doesn’t do the things that the people outside seem to do.

I’m going to try thowing rocks to the glass to see if it breaks, then at least I’d get a breeze.

**

I fear dying so much, sometimes it’s paralyzing.

I believe I am afraid that someone is going to find out how useless my life is, take it and give it to someone who really deserves it.

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