Please take it easy.

Why is it getting so hard to write?

(You don’t think you’re at your 100%, you feel rather far from it, and writing or doing anything that you could be good at, in these conditions, could lead to self disappointment.)

Am I forgetting how to write in English?

(Probably not, but Language skills increase and decrease with practice).

Why don’t I write in Spanish then?

(Because you associate that language with a lot of things you want to run away from? I’m not really sure.)

Is it healthy for me to go back to talking with a bunch of people that I like enough but don’t actually have much in common with, for the sake of nostalgia?

(I don’t know. You were so different back then, such pretense.  You were one way because you thought they wouldn’t really like the real you (you didn’t even know what that was like), and perhaps you’re right.  Except that it is no longer important.)

Why am I writing like this?

(Perhaps it is the only way you can see what you’re really thinking at the moment.)

Why aren’t you being a judgmental bitch?

(Because you are.  I come in representation of the glowing force.  Someone’s gotta do it.)

Why are you sounding so insane? Are you delusional?

(Not really, just using very specific stuff that only you can understand. You know you can.)

(Please take it easy.)

  1. #1 by albinorealm on October 3, 2010 - 7:23 pm

    I am completely astounded by this post. You have grown so much. There was once a time when the voices in your head all got together and tortured you. Times have changed and will continue to change. There is a new voice in there. Just when you think you’re alone . . . there appears a glowing albinoz force nearby that proves you wrong.

    The glowing force also comes in representation of the real YOU. There are lots of yous trapped and hiding as a result of so many years of trauma. In the time we have known each other, there have been many yous that have been freed. As a result, you are gaining a better understanding of what YOU actually means and is. Just like Rei. It is good to keep asking the questions. The answers change. Constant updates can be quite revealing.

    My Rei, your strangeness is not a bad thing at all. You are more unique than you realize. There is someone holding your hand across the water, this time. *looks into your beautiful purplez eyes* Say, you look an awful lot like me. This level of coincidence is extremely disturbing. O_O

    *smooches your cutez eyepatch*

    By the way, I think we bond over the same thing language-wise. There are things we want to run away from. At the same time, together we end up facing them. You speak in Spanish on the forum and in WoW. You wrote that e-mail to your psychiatrist in Spanish. Your Spanish language skills are not representing what they once did–oppression and pain. You are beginning to see just how talented you are. Besides, Spanishbolitaz is extremely sexy. *dies*

    You are strong and determined. You will face the people from your past when you are ready. Is it good to try to bond with people you have little in common with? I think that it wouldn’t hurt to interact with them now and then. However, there is a difference between trying to be best of buds with them and hiding who you are, versus simply getting together at your convenience during one of your better days. You have nothing to prove to them. Remember how far you take this interaction is up to you. You are the one that is in control, because at the end of the day, you owe them nothing.

    You are an interactive learner. Just like with tanking you throw yourself in and learn as you go then take time to analyze. The blog is a version of that. You throw yourself in and let words out and then you analyze what comes out. It helps you to better understand yourself.

    In other words . . . don’t stop. Keep writing. And yes, be gentle with yourself. The albinoz force would always want that for you. You deserve it and more. You have given that force a voice inside of you. The ability to stand up in your inner court proceedings and testify. The albinoz glowing force is ever so grateful and honoured. Furthermore, it wishes to remind you that it refuses to be fired. 🙂

    -Your Love Forever

  2. #2 by sulz on October 11, 2010 - 10:53 pm

    “Is it healthy for me to go back to talking with a bunch of people that I like enough but don’t actually have much in common with, for the sake of nostalgia?”

    i’m probably one of those people. 🙂 much as i lament over losing friendships through time and change, i’m kind of getting it that it’s okay to lose touch that way.

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