When I’m at my worst – which is almost every moment of every day in the past few weeks, especially the last one, my head fills with cockroaches and unsolvable problems of all kinds that knock me around in every direction.
However when I have a couple of euthymic minutes or hours, I realize all the stuff that tortured me were mostly non-issues.
Is it even worth it then, to go through these problems, to talk about them, to discuss them internally? Probably not.
Can it be helped though? I have already noticed this before, and decided that as a person, I should mostly listen to my “healthy” self more than I should listen to my deeply disturbed self.
But when I’m in disturbed mode, which is most of the time lately, I think my “healthy” self isn’t even so, that it’s just my bubble wrapped, unassertive self instead.
This is not a matter of conflicting truths, I’ll explain.
- “Healthy” self presents with decreased to no depressive symptoms, normal paced mind (fast), good language and existent social skills, increased ability to take for granted activities like showering and eating, interests and abilities resurfacing from who knows where, easier to see colours (not metaphorical), more likely to produce a surprising spontaneous smile, and slightly higher pitched voice with wider tone inflections.
I’m not known to have ever experienced hypomania or mania.
- “Disturbed” self comes with a cloud of extreme pessimism, either emotional lability or numbness, sense of doom, incredibly slow mind, sensation of losing several points of IQ, not able to hold a train of thought for long enough to watch a whole tv episode, feeling of moving through thick fluid instead of air, difficulty breathing properly, responding to a simple yes/no question is a major task, slow, monotonous voice, memory problems. Basically, completely symptomatic.
Who is more me? I’d say the one without the symptoms. Therefore, if my healthy self considers something a non-issue, it’s probably because it is.
Though, perhaps it IS an issue, in the same way that responding to a simple yes/no question is a big issue when I’m symptomatic, but is NOT when I’m fine.
Sometimes, I leave myself little notes when I’m healthier, that it will pass, that it’s the illness, not me, that I’m not stupid, that I’m loved, etc, but there seems to be a major problem of communication.
PS: As you can imagine, I’m in a slight euthymic mode right now, which allowed me to even illustrate this post.
*waits for the mental cloud to come back anytime*
PS2: Nooo, that’s not pessimism, it’s knowing my mental pattterns. BELIEVE me, having my hopes up would just make it worse.