Fragile Smile

I think I’ve been doing quite well lately (“lately” being a day, maybe a couple).   After years of chronic, debilitating depression, I’ve learned not to put up my hopes too much on how far I surf the wave.  Good days are the first thing that disappear from my memory when I enter an episode, and even using an external memory resource (like now) results in my future disbelief, or the thought that one day or two are not worth it anyway.

Except that during the good day, it is worth it, but that’s only part of it being a good day, isn’t it? The future is full of possibilities, doing things like waking up, showering and going outside and smiling at the world are so easily done that they can be taken for granted, and horrible tragedies manage to avoid their heartbreaking grasp and just magically touch you with their only hidden bright tentacle.

Also, music sounds a little bit better, colors are a little bit brighter and food hasn’t been this good in ages.

It’s amazing how flimsy everything is.  How the same reality in the same mind can be perceived so differently just because a couple trillion brain synapses decided to be generous today and stop chewing obsessively at my neurotransmitters after no apparent external trigger.

This is probably the gloomiest blog about feeling good, but the deal here is that this state of mind will probably go out of the window with just as little explanation as it came in.  But hey, I’m feeling so good that even the bleak prognosis of my current situation doesn’t manage to knock me down.

It makes all of those who claim they are “Glass Half Full” kind of people seem like the most presumptuous people in the universe if they think they should get any credit for their continuous and unshaken optimism.

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  1. #1 by la on January 12, 2010 - 10:19 am

    I’m glad you’re feeling good. I know that feeling – unbelievable – when simple things (like opening the curtains) stop being a struggle, stop being a decision… And it’s quite heart-breaking to sink again. You’re always so afraid, anxiety to taint your good mood.

    I hope it lasts xx

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