Directionless Musings

She’s in my dreams, she won’t go away. Dreams where we make up and become friends again. Dreams of happiness and relief. Dreams that won’t come true, because I chose it that way. Guilty reality: I was the one who shut her off. She hurt me, but I believe she never even noticed it. I hurt her, too. There may be a chance she actually hates me by now. And I wish I could go back in time to stop myself from walking up to her that day I decided to become her friend. I remember it clearly. I want to get rid of the memories of pain and guilt.

I think about it a lot, going back in time. It means I have many regrets and I’m plagued by them. I don’t like it, but before I know it, I’m taking another mental trip to the past. My favourite past time. Changing things, entertaining myself with the imaginary results. A better life, fixing mistakes. Life feels dirty with mistakes permanently engraved in it.

Have I been playing too many video games during my life? The illusion of of restarting with the knowledge and skill required to acquire a perfect score.

A perfect score.

What for, anyway? Who am I competing against?

Is it because I have only one life and it’s really short?

Mortality. It also haunts me all the time. Eternal anxiety for getting as much as possible done during this life. To make something that counts, an impact in the world. That seems like the only thing that would make my short existence worth it. Create something unique. Something that nobody else would be able to do. Justify my existence.

Plagued by Disordered Thoughts

I don’t know if it’s anxiety, nostalgia, confusion or I’m just not doing as well as I seemed to have been doing lately.

I’m stuck looking at the past, worrying if I’ve made the right choice. Picturing myself in the future. Picturing myself in the past. Fantasizing about things that never happened and should have happened. Going back in time and changing things which means regret. Erasing parts of my life and adding others. Changing things so I would not be in the place I am now.

The could have been‘s.

My self esteem has also plummeted. It’s not only my looks, it’s myself as a person. I’ve been feeling unworthy, uninteresting, average, a failure.

Mediocre. Not good at anything in the end. Nothing outstanding to give the world, therefore, why am I even here?

10 years gone to the drain? a big portion of my life. I cannot get it back. I cannot change it. I cannot restart the game. I cannot re-roll.

Goodbye 2011

This was an interesting year.

• It was the first time I ever got a surgery done on me. (My gallbladder got taken out. No, I am not keeping it in a jar. I was actually supposed to get a report from the pathologist to see if there was something wrong with it but I forgot to retrieve it. Now we’ll never know.)

• I turned a quarter of a century and I’m still in freaking denial. I CAN’T believe it. I won’t believe it. No way I’m twenty five right now, and people who see me don’t believe it either, so at least that’s good.

• I put on 30 lbs on sedentarism and medications. Especially the latter, which made me gain 20 lbs in 3 months. None of my clothes fit. I didn’t think I’d have this problem since I’ve always been towards the skinny side. People are massively surprised when they look at me now.

• Speaking of meds, I got some that seem to work (Lithium and three other kinds). Right now I don’t feel so great, but it seems like a normal mood swing and not that horrible thing from before.

• I finished my two year art course and now I’m doing paintings on my own, and hoping to sell some someday (lets see if I’m able to part from my babies).  I improved greatly and learned a lot. One of the biggest things I learned was to finish what I  started. No more half finished sketches under my bed. I’ve finished a few really nice paintings already.

• I made the decision of abandoning the idea of practicing medicine. It’s not for me, it’s not what I want. It never was.  I was 14 when I chose this and I was wrong.  I took the national university entrance exams on September and did really well, granting myself a place in a program of pure Physics. It begins on January. It’s a 4.5 year program and I’ll be 29 and a half when I finish, but I’m extremely excited. This is going to be completely different from what I’ve known so far.

• I won’t be a psychiatrist. After much thought, I realized I would be continuously triggered by my patients. And as horrible as it sounds, I want to get away from the mental health world. I’ll always know. I’ll always have the experience and will never remove it from my life even if I had the chance to, but I don’t want to be so involved anymore.

Goodbye, 2011.